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  • Arthur Bacon

How to Kill Lots of Kids

The thing is, if you are going to kill kids you want to kill as many as possible. If you only kill one kid you might not even get into the papers nowadays; you’ll just get arrested and put in jail just like a drug dealer or car thief and nobody will know. You gotta kill at least five. But that will only get your name in the local paper. You want your name in the New York Times right? You probably need at the very least ten to get more than a second page notice. I’d say twenty is a minimum you have to shoot for. But why not shoot for a spectacular record, like fifty or a hundred? 

There are a myriad ways to kill another human being. 

If you can sneak up behind another person and get your arm around their neck you can render them helpless in about ten seconds and dead in another sixty with a choke we used to call a “Japanese chokehold” (Hadaka Jime). You can do this if you spend at least, seven or eight years studying Judo. In movies we see a guy get his arms around another guy’s neck and “snap” it, killing the other guy instantly. In all my years studying judo I never learned this cinematic trick but I’m sure it is possible although kind of hard on one’s practice partners. But it is probably pretty easy if you weigh 175 pounds and the little girl you want to kill only weighs fifty pounds. 

So, you go in a classroom and grab the first little kid and wrap your arm around his skinny neck and squeeze. Chances are his classmates won’t have a clue that you are killing him as his eyes bulge and his legs flail and then he passes out. The “snap” trick is probably a lot easier with seven and eight-year-olds. Of course, your plan will probably be interrupted by the teacher who will rush over before little Johnny collapses on the floor. Teachers are very protective of their students; “In loco parentis” is the Latin term for this. Now you have the same problem you have had to deal with all your life; a fucking adult. A very angry fucking adult. This adult woman is going to scream, kick, scratch and be very difficult to deal with as you are trying to choke the little fucker. She will grab your hair, pull your arms maybe even try to poke your eyes out. This is what you hate about adults; they always get in the way. So, you let the kid go and try to choke the godam teacher. At five-foot-four you are two inches shorter than her. You have been bullied all your life because you are so short and now here you are struggling to choke this woman who is very angry and resisting your attempts to subdue her. Meanwhile all thirty kids are screaming bloody murder. After a minute of this ruckus, Mr. Arnold Kimble next door is going to come in to see what all the commotion is about and then you are fucked, to use an academic expression, because Arnold is going to be very, very angry and beat the living shit out of you. The choke system probably isn’t going to work on Arnold who is six-feet-two and very strong.  

Another way to kill a bunch of innocent little kids would be with a knife. This method is suggested because it has never been done before and you would surely get your sorry ass in the history books for this atrocity if you can kill at least seven or eight of the little bastards with a kitchen knife; one is not enough to get much notice in the press. The press loves the word “mass” so unless you think you can kill at least five, forget it. The best kind of knife recommended by the Society for the Death of Happiness in America, is a common chef’s knife. These knives are about 10 inches long and very sharp so all you have to do is slide it quickly across the throat of any little girl and, voila, she is dead. You can also stab children but this will not guarantee mortality; people have survived after as many as ten stabs. You could probably kill three or four children per minute with this method. The problem with this method of course, is that you will have to catch the little bastards. They will be running all over the place screaming bloody murder as you chase them down. There is also the same problem with the teacher. Most teachers are not going to allow this kind of behavior which means you will have to deal with her sooner or later. Since you have never been able to deal with adults this could be a serious obstacle to your killing spree because she is going to take that knife away from you, or at the very least try to. It is not easy to kill an adult with a knife if you are a paranoid, schizophrenic, angry, fucked-up, little teenager. Meanwhile, as you are lunging and slashing at Miss Do-good, the kids will be screaming their heads off and the aforementioned Mr. Arnold Kimble from next door is going to come in and definitely take that big knife away from you and shove it down your throat. 

These adults are a serious problem to your paranoid, schizophrenic, bi-polar fucked up plans to destroy all sense of happiness in your community. You want them to remember you and what they did to you for eighteen years. They teased you because you were so stupid and small, like maybe a  jockey or an acrobat or something. They got angry because you are dyslexic and can’t read worth a shit. And, when they found out you were “on the spectrum” that analysis ended all possibility of comity between you and every other asshole in your school. Just the words, “On the Spectrum” sounded menacing, like a specter. You became a specter for them.  

There are some other ways to kill little children you might consider. A baseball bat might be even more effective than the knife. You could dress up as a gym teacher and just walk in the school unnoticed, walk in any classroom and start swinging at all those cute little heads. You will like the sound and feel of the bat crunching small skulls. Blood will probably squirt out of their eyes, nose and ears sort of like smashing a cantaloupe with a bat.

But, again, you will have to deal with Miss Swank. However, if you stay calm you will just break her legs, then her arms and then whack her over the head. But, like with the knife, Mr. Kimble next door is probably going to investigate the reason for those abnormally terrified screams of thirty little eight-year-olds and he will come in and pick up a chair and smash it over your head or ram you up against a wall and beat the living shit out of you. This, again, is the last thing you want; a confrontation with a seriously pissed off adult. 

How about a motor vehicle? You already have your own car. Are you stupid or what? A car weighing 3,000 pounds can kill lots of people. Every day the little fuckers line up waiting to get on the bus. There they are, all lined up holding hands just waiting for you to run over them. Just plow right into them, back up and do it again over and over. Here’s another motor vehicle possibility: See where the school bus stops. Wait there. As soon as the door opens jump in and kill the driver with a bat or knife. Now, you have thirty or forty terrified little fuckers who can’t go anywhere and all you have to do is drive down to the nearest highway and just drive head-on into the first big truck. That should kill at least half of them. Maybe you live somewhere like Seattle with lots of bridges that you could drive off of. Maybe you live in a mountain town and you can drive off a cliff. A large school bus can carry as many as 72 children. Just think about that. That could be one for the record books. I mean, the whole point is to kill more little children than anybody has done before, right? 

Why do you assholes think so small? A gun that only shoots one bullet at a time? How lame is that? You need to think big like those Muslim cocksuckers. Nitroglycerine is the name you need to learn. But I forget, one of your problems is that you are not only small and ugly, but stupid. Too bad because I was going to suggest another kind of explosive; the kind that guy used Oklahoma City. But again, you are too fucking stupid to learn how to make explosives using fertilizer and a bunch of other shit. Here’s an idea. Why not good old dynamite? Pretend you are a rancher that needs to blow up a boulder in your corral. Get a permit and viola blow the shit out of an entire school. Stop thinking about plinking away here and there as the little fuckers run all over the place. Moving targets are hard to hit. There are even sites on the Internet that will tell you how to make your own dynamite. You need to grow the fuck up and think like an adult even though you hate us. 

You could kill lots of kids in parks and public playgrounds but that is not what angry, fucked-up teenage boys do is it? You want to do what everybody else does; kill kids in schools because that is what every fucked-up kid does nowadays. You want to get in that Guinness Book of Records. Furthermore, most kids feel happy and safe in schools but you hated school and never felt happy there so you want every kid in America to feel unhappy and un-safe in school. 

All the video games you play, Snap Chat, Facebook, Tik Tok sex videos and internet advertising all recommend AR-15’s so that is what you want. It never occurs to you to come up with an alternative way to ruin a bunch of lives. Killing a bunch of beautiful little kids with something other than an Ar15 requires too much imagination for a fucked-up teenage boy. Car, knife, bat, dynamite? Forget it. YOU want an AR-15 because that is what all the other mass killers use. YOU want to be like them but better. You want to kill more than thirty-three. Why not a hundred or two hundred? 

Well, clearly, if you are only 17 years old and if your parents do not have any guns you have a problem. If, however, your parents do have a gun or two, you should be able to steal one because, chances are, they are among the 90% who do not lock up their guns because they are paranoid assholes who want their gun loaded, cocked and ready to shoot the next black motherfucker bashing down their front door notwithstanding the fact that this has never happened. Owning a gun assures them that inexorably this WILL happen like praying to Jesus will protect them from Covid-19. 

But, even if mommy or daddy, probably just daddy, does have a gun-safe, rest assured that these things can be broken open. If they have a small table-top safe all you need is a sledge hammer. Just take that thing out in the driveway and start smashing it this way and that with a sledge hammer and before long it will pop open. Guaranteed. If their gun safe is a big one, just go to the local rental store and rent an acetylene cutting torch. Tip the damn thing over and cut a hole in it. I mean, if you are going to kill a bunch of little kids, who cares if you burn a hole in the carpet or even burn the godam house down. The main thing is to get a gun so you can fuck up a community forever and get your name in the history books as the guy who shot thirty-nine 2rd graders in George Washington Elementary School. 

The PROBLEM is that you are a fucked-up diminutive teenager who couldn’t get past algebra I, so of course, you are incapable of planning a mass murder. You think all you need is an AR-15, a bullet-proof vest, some high capacity magazines and voila, you think you can walk into a school and start killing kids. Get a life asshole. 

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