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  • Arthur Bacon

The Debates!

Updated: Mar 22, 2021

Lets face it; we all love hating Donald Trump. There used to be crucifixions, Christians and lions and gladiators, and then bear baiting, and then actual staged gunfights. There’s the Super-bowl and March Madness, the US Open and Mayweather-Pacquiao … but that stuff is tiddly winks compared to the pornographic thrills awaiting us this fall. This is going to be the meanest, baddest, ugliest election in the last 100 years and we are ALL looking forward to the head-butts and groin kicks Donald Trump is going to dish out to “Crooked” Hillary. “Lying Ted, Little Marco, and low energy Jeb” will seem like charitable grammar school lunch room epithets by the time November rolls around.

The list of people Trump has insulted is now in the hundreds; from innumerable women and foreign leaders to the US president to senators and governors all the way down to MMA fighters, and small town reporters. Donald Trump might just be the most imaginatively deprecatory politician in the history of mankind. Even Alcibiades, Hitler and McCarthy did not insult EVERYBODY. He is pathologically driven to offend. Comity is as alien to Donald Trump as charity is to Bernie Madoff. Donald Trump is like a Fisher-Price Duracell battery monster toy zipping around on the living room floor mouth flapping up and down screaming “Liar, stupid, loser, bloody, wrong, bad, ugly, Muslim and rapist” over and over in his whiny, bratty electronic voice just like he has probably been doing since he was five years old; same simple stupid petulant monosyllables over and over. Donald Trump has created a new psychological phenomenon, the (oxymoronish) genius idiot. Here is a man with a 100-word vocabulary who knocked out 16 governors, senators, congressmen, a brain surgeon and a CEO with nothing but relentless imbecilic 8th grade slurs. Talk about anti-intellectualism in America; this is it in spades baby. Stupidity has reached a new apotheosis.

This is a man who has never had to grow up. A lot of us guys (and I am referring to a male-only phenomenon), if we are lucky, get the crap beat out of us sometime between 7th and 12th grade because we did not grasp the possible consequences of our cretinous juvenile behavior. In my senior year in high school I enjoyed the glow of a full-on narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I was working as a busboy at a country club in Syracuse. Unbearable adolescent doofus that I was I made some wise-ass remark to the sweat-soaked chef. He grabbed the front of my smock and slammed me against the wall and put a very large knife to my throat and said, eyes flashing with contempt, “If you ever say one more fucking word in my kitchen I will cut your nuts off! D’you understand”? My meek little, “Yessir” instantly cured me of my NPD for which I have been forever grateful. Somehow, while at New York Military Academy, Donald Trump managed to graduate without ever having that disgusting badger smirk wiped off his face with a straight jab or upper-cut or at least a hammer-lock by one of the wrestlers. Maybe NYMA didn’t have a wrestling team.

The Donald missed that part of his education and went on to a cushy Ivy League college where, for sure, he continued to believe that his shit didn’t stink. Essentially, this is what is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Acknowledging mistakes, accepting criticism, appreciating advice are all part of the long journey from know-it-all adolescence to modest adulthood. As teenagers we pass cars on the right, we shout, we drink too much, we skip class, we don’t wash the dishes, we say stupid things all the time, we think we know everything; some of us even shoplift and joyride in other people’s cars. But at some point, when the cook puts the knife to our throat, we realize that from then on we need to keep the asshole gene in check. Donald Trump is no different today than he was sixty years ago. What you see is what you get folks. Get used to it.

Although enthusiastically endorsed by the New York Times, a sitting president, numerous high-ranking government officials, including a couple former CIA bosses, and some top republicans like Michael Bloomberg, Hillary Clinton will NOT be getting a recommendation from the American Ethics Society much less a nod from the American Pacifist League; and there is a word for those nights she spent with Mr. Goldman Sachs. Donald Trump, meanwhile, struggling with his arrested development, seems glued to his “Tweeter” trying to figure out what new sobriquet he can hurl at whom. I’m sure Steve Bannon will not be at a loss for words to help The Donald out in that regard.

I mean, really, is there anybody who is NOT looking forward to these debates with as much schadenfreude as we do when we watch the Daytona 500 hoping for a spectacular, spinning, flipping, disintegrating, pyrotechnic pile-up? Admit it, we want to see fireworks, profanity, blood and tears. There is a part of us (at least the old Naderites and the petulant new Berners) that would like to see Trump as president; we want to see how far, how bad, how stupid this man can be. This is classic todestrieb if there ever was such a thing. Bring it on. We’re screwed; how can it get any worse?

* * *

26 September 2016, Hofstra University. The First Debate!

Lester Holt: “Welcome ladies and gentlemen to this first presidential debate in 2016. Mr. Trump and Secretary Clinton you each have two minutes to make opening statements. After that I will ask each of you a question to which you have two minutes to reply and your opponent has two minutes to respond. Please keep your remarks within the time limits and please do not interrupt your opponent. As you know the subject of this evening’s debate is the direction our country is headed and what each of you intends to do with your authority as president. Since you won the toss I will begin with you Mr. Trump. How will you change the course of history as president of the United States”?

Mr. Trump: “Thank you all for being here tonight and thanks to all of you who supported me in the primaries. We won more primary votes than anybody anywhere in history. We are going to make America great again. I am going to provide so many new jobs and make this country so great again believe me. After eight years of do nothing I am going to start rebuilding our cities, our factories, our schools, our military. America is going to be number one again. First, I am going to tear up Obamacare, then I am going to get rid of all illegal immigrants who are stealing, not just stealing stuff but stealing jobs from hard-working Americans. Then I am going to get us out of NATO as fast as you can say sayonara. And lastly, Syrian refugees are going to have to find another sugar daddy because we cannot afford to feed another bunch of people who might not even like us. I mean, we don’t know who these people are, where they come from, what they believe. Well, we know they believe in Allah. Well, lemme tell you, we believe in Jesus Christ. We don’t NEED people who believe in Allah”.

Mr. Holt: “Thank you Mr. Trump. Same question for you Madame Secretary. How will your presidency be a change for America”?

Hillary Clinton: “Thank you Lester and thank you Hofstra University for hosting this historic event on your beautiful campus here in Hemstead, in the great state of NEW YORK!. And thank all of you Americans who are watching and participating in this historic campaign for the most august and powerful office in the world. I am very honored and humbled to be on this stage discussing the future of our great nation. First of all a secure and safe nation has to be the foundation for a prosperous nation and I intend to do everything in my power to make sure we are safe from…

DT: “Just like you did in Benghazi. You couldn’t make a small building safe so why should we believe that you are going to make America safe”?

Mr. Holt: “Please Mr. Trump.”

DT: “I’m just telling it like it is. She’s lying”.

Mr. Holt: “Please continue Madame Secretary”.

HC: “As I was saying, ISIS must be contained…”

DT: “Contained? Contained? See, she doesn’t get it. They didn’t get it for eight years.They let ISIS get away with murder. Why was that? Something was going on there.”

Mr. Holt: “Please Mr. Trump.”

DT: “Contained is all she can offer us. I will kill them. I promise I will kill every last one of them. You don’t ‘contain’ terrorists, you kill them”.

Mr. Holt: “Mr. Trump. Madame Secretary please continue”.

HC: “Unfortunately, we cannot do this alone and I intend to work closely with our allies in Europe and the region to …”

DT: “Blah Blah blah. Same ole, Same ole do nothing”.

HC: “Do you mind not interrupting me Donald”?

DT: “Oh, did you hear that everybody? Crooked Hillary says, ‘Do you mind not interrupting me Donald'”? If you said something intelligent I wouldn’t interrupt but you’re just saying what we heard for eight years; nothing.

HC: “Nevertheless, I think the rules of this debate dictate that I have the right to speak uninterrupted until I am finished”.

DT: “You are finished. You’re done. You’ve fainted. You’re sick. You’re finished”.

Mr. Holt: “Mr. Trump, please.”

DT: “She should be in jail.Look at that face ladies and gentlemen. You’d think she could afford a facelift after making ten million dollars last year giving speeches to her cronies on Wall Street”

Mr. Holt: “Mr. Trump. Please. Madame Secretary, you have fifteen seconds left in which to explain your plan.”

HC: “Thank you Lester. With green energy development, transportation investments, infrastructure maintenance and homeland security jobs we estimate…”

DT: “Lies, lies, all lies. Really big lies. Unbelievable lies. Green energy. It’s stupid, really really stupid when we have more oil right here than the rest of the world combined and all you can think about is the color green which is just an excuse so Al Gore can sell movies and wind mills. Well I know the color green believe me. I’m going to make America green, the kind of green you put in a bank.”

Mr. Holt: “Mr. Trump please. Let the Madame Secretary finish.

DT: “Her time is up; see the red light. Are you stupid or what? It is my turn and you know what? These debates are so stupid, so stupid. Really stupid but I will tell you what I will do for the American people. I am going to make Mexico build a wall so big and so long that nobody, and I mean nobody, nobody with dark skin, curly hair and a robe is going to come into these United States. Nobody. Then we are going to provide more jobs than you can possibly imagine. You can’t even imagine how many jobs I am going to provide for the American people. I have provided jobs for thousands of people all over the world. I know how to do jobs. ‘Madame Secretary’ has never had a real job in her entire life. What does she know about jobs? We’re going to put so many people to work, so many people you won’t believe it. We’re going to make America great again by putting America first again.”

Mr. Holt: “Thank you Mr. Trump and Madame Secretary, you have 15 seconds to respond.”

HC: “Well, as you may have noticed Mr. Trump never tells us how he is going to…”

DT: “I’ve done it. I’m good but I needed several thousand people working for me to build Trump Tower, Trump Plaza, Trump Palace. I am a job machine. You’re a secretary, secretaries should be seen and not heard. But then again whenever I look at you I think you shouldn’t be seen either.”

M: “Mr. Trump, if you will PLEASE let the Madame Secretary finish her remarks.”

HC: “As I was saying, Mr. Trump does not have a plan and I have a ten point plan that will…”

DT: “…Destroy our economy with your stupid taxes, green this and green that and your stupid global warming and all that hooey, and building mosques for terrorists and putting handcuffs on our men and women in blue while crime is ruining our cities because you want to take our guns away.”

HC: “At least I have a…”

Mr. Holt: “I’m sorry Madame Secretary but your time is up and this concludes the first of three debates sanctioned by the federal election commission in conjunction with the Clinton and Trump campaigns. We hope you tune in for the next debate which will take place in the lobby of Trump Tower in downtown Manhattan on October 9th .”

* * *

The second debate might provide some clues about how exciting it might get.

Moderator: “Welcome to tonight’s debate on foreign policy. Each candidate will have 30 seconds in which to make opening remarks and then fifteen seconds in which to reply to one’s opponent. These attenuated time limits were established by Mr. Trump himself. Mr. Trump you have won the toss so you may go first. 30 seconds.”

Donald Trump: “Isn’t this place great? I just love coming down that escalator. Have you all ridden that escalator? You should. Look, I am going to make America great again. I am going to build a wall – actually Mexico is going to build a wall – so long and so high, fifty feet high, twenty feet higher than the wall in Israel, so that finally Americans will be safe from rapists, thieves, terrorists and women and children coming illegally into this country by the thousands every single day, yes pouring into this country across our southern border by the thousands every day and who knows how many of them are rapists or terrorists because we are so stupid, so weak. We don’t know who these people are. This isn’t the America I grew up in ladies and gentlemen. This is not the America I knew as a kid growing up in Queens surrounded by decent folk who would give you the shirt off their back if you needed anything. My wall is going to keep jobs in America and the bad people out. Period. Nobody is coming into America again, ever.”

Moderator: “Madame Secretary you have 30 seconds to make your opening remarks.”

Hilary Clinton: “Thank you Martha. As Secretary of State I had the unique opportunity to learn something about foreign policy…”

DT: “You’d never know it after Benghazi and Iran.”

HC: “…and the fact that a safe America is dependent upon the support and friendship of our allies in Europe, Asia, Latin America and the Fertile Crescent.”

DT: “Did anybody hear her say Israel? I never hear her say Israel. What’s with that ladies and gentlemen? See what I mean; crooked Hillary is going to forget about our best ally on the planet because she hates Israel. Maybe we should look into that. Some of her closest advisers are Muslim. Something is going on…”

M: “Mr. Trump. Please.”

DT: “How does letting our people in Benghazi get murdered qualify her to be commander in chief?”

M: “Mr. Trump!”

DT: “This is sooo stupid. Can you imagine her talking to Vladimir Putin looking like that?”

M: “Mr. Trump, please. You have ten seconds Madame Secretary.”

HC: “Global Warming, Russia, ISIS, Iran, Al-Qaeda and Hezbollah are the main threats facing our security. And the last time I heard Donald, the United States still respects religious freedom. I suggest that you lay off my friends and advisers. We need to work assiduously with our closest allies around the globe…”

DT: “And Israel is one of them. I know Benji and I can work with him. I WILL work with him and believe me Iran will not be a threat to our friends in Israel any more”.

HC: I think the people in Israel know where I stand and they can see through your bellicose posturing faster than you can pull off another bankruptcy.”

M: “Your time is up Madame Secretary. A lot of listeners are concerned about Russia and have sent in thousands of questions. Here is a video question from a listener in Omaha, Nebraska.”

Questioner: “Dear Mr. Trump, what will you do if Russia invades Latvia and Estonia?”

DT: “I thought you were gonna ask me a ‘gotcha’ question. Look, I am going to have the best advisors, the best talent that money can buy helping me with my strategy. Estonia, Lithuania, Siberia…it doesn’t matter because I will know what to do when that time comes. I understand Mr. Putin and believe me I can work with him. I have worked with him. If he wants to go into Siberia maybe he should. We’ll see but believe me I know Vladimir Putin and I can deal with him.”

M: “Madame Secretary you have 15 seconds to respond to our viewer’s question ‘What if Russia invades Latvia and Estonia?’”

HC: “Given Russia’s aggression in the Crimea and the new Kerch Strait Bridge to The Crimea, we are not altogether unprepared for such an exigency in the Baltic; we are already working closely with our Baltic allies and NATO security advisers. Operation Anaconda this past summer was the biggest military exercise of NATO troops since the end of the Cold War and meant to be a deterrent.”

DT: “And guess who paid for it? NATO needs to start paying us their fair share. If you don’t pay you don’t play; simple as that. We don’t owe those people anything. What has Lithuania done for us?”

M: “Mr. Trump please let Secretary Clinton finish her remarks.”

HC: “Well, I share Mr. Trump’s indifference about Siberia falling into Russian hands but Latvia and Estonia? We cannot allow Russia to create another satellite system along European Union borders. These are parliamentary democracies, members of the European Union and NATO. What did we learn from Munich?”

DT: “In Munich we learned that we must do everything we can to protect our Jewish friends from Arab terrorists.”

HC: “I was not referring to THAT Munich but you are right that we must stand firmly behind our friends in Israel but also with our new friends in the Baltic and honor our treaty commitments…”

DT: “No pay no play. It’s as simple as that folks. We can’t keep paying for their schools, their hospitals and their military while ours is weak. Our military is so weak today, so bad, our leaders are stupid, so stupid we have fewer planes and ships than we did in World War II for crying out loud. It’s a disgrace what we have let happen to our military. I can’t believe it. I will make America great again.”

M: “Mr. Trump you will have an opportunity to respond when Madame Secretary is finished.”

HC: “Let me just conclude by reiterating that when I am president the United States will stand firm in its treaty commitments around the world.”

M: “Mr. Trump, you have stated that you are not unwilling to use waterboarding and other forms of enhanced interrogation techniques on our adversaries. Will you be willing to openly flaunt the Geneva conventions?”

DT: “Listen, I don’t know what they talked about at the convention in Geneva but I’ve been told that waterboarding was not on the agenda. Wallid Phares, my chief security adviser has told me that at the convention in Geneva they never mentioned waterboarding. There are other things they did not mention and I will use them too. These people will talk, believe me. They sneak in here and kill people and when we catch them they will talk. Believe me, they will talk. I don’t care if the people in Geneva don’t like it; people are gonna talk and we will make America safe again.”

M: “Madame Secretary you have fifteen seconds to respond.”

HC:The United Nations Convention against Torture signed by 167 nations in Geneva in 1984 states that ANY inhumane treatment or assignment of such treatment to a second party of prisoners of war is prohibited by the United Nations. The United States will lead the world in upholding the rights of prisoners as defined by the Geneva Convention. Waterboarding is torture Mr. Trump by ANY reasonable standard of human decency.”

DT: “United Nations! Give me a break. A bunch of so-called countries where they can’t even find the state of Kansas on a map are telling us what to do? Give me a break will you? These are not prisoners of war, they are radical Islamic terrorists! We are going to find these people and break every bone in their body if they don’t tell us who they are working for. I will do it myself if I have to. Bones, fingernails, eyes, private parts… I don’t care what they say in Geneva if I have to protect American lives. We are at war ladies and gentlemen. I know what it is like to be a soldier and torture is part of the game. I know torture from military school. I know how to take it and I know how to dish it out. I don’t care if we become the torture capital of the world if it makes us safe again.”

Moderator: “This next question for Mr. Trump comes from Mustafa Al Bahroudi in Minneapolis. ‘Mr. Trump, you have called the Iran nuclear deal the worst foreign policy disaster in history. What will you do about it if elected president?’”

DT: “Well, first of all, I might want to know where you come from and why you are so interested in atomic secrets. Just kidding. Joke. Get it? Look, Iran is building a bomb. Everybody knows it. Everybody knows Iran is building a bomb. The only people who don’t know this are in the White House. We just gave Iran billions of dollars so they could build an even better bomb. We even hired a special plane and carried a truck-load of cash over there so they would not have to go to their Swiss Banks. Imagine that, giving the very people who are hell bent on destroying us and our friends in Israel hundreds of millions of dollars in cash. I can’t believe it. But they better spend it quick because when I am president they are gonna pay and pay and pay believe me. The scrap of paper that deal is written on is going up in smoke the minute I step in the Oval Office believe me.”

Moderator: “Mrs. Clinton you have fifteen seconds to respond.”

HC: “As usual Mr. Trump fails utterly to appreciate the myriad difficulties and nuances of diplomacy in the 21st Century. This is not the Dark Ages Donald. As I have said before, nuclear non-proliferation has been a cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Gilpatric Report in 1964 and now you want to countenance nuclear weapons in Saudi Arabia, South Korea and Japan? Saudi Arabia Donald? Do you know who those guys were flying those planes into the World Trade Center? Iran is a good deal and I stand by the president.”

DT: “It’s stupid. This country needs somebody who isn’t afraid of these guys. I’m the only one who can deal with these people, and I will, believe me. I will work with our friends in Israel and Iran will go back to fossil fuels faster than you can say ‘poof’”.

Moderator: “Well, lets move on to Asia. Mr. Trump how will you respond to Chinese aggression in the South China Sea if you are Commander in Chief?”

Donald Trump: “Not our problem.”

M: “That’s it?”

DT: “That’s it.”

M: “Madame Secretary?”

Hillary Clinton: “Well, in addition to untapped oil and gas reserves in the area, the new airfield on Spratly Island, along with the military base on Subi Island, all presage a threat to the United States and our allies in North Vietnam, the Philippines, and Japan. Chinese mobilization in this area also represents an existential threat to the freedom of the seas as established by United Nations Charter 234 in 1953 to which China was a signatory. We cannot afford to ignore what China is doing in that archipelago”.

DT: “See, there she goes again. The United Nations. 1953? Ancient history. Give me a break. Is Madame Secretary so far around the bend she doesn’t know this is 2016? Scraps of paper. Those people do nothing for us. Nothing. We pour billions of dollars into the United Nations for what? What do we get out of it? Does the United Nations help build American schools? Did the United Nations help us with Sandy or Katrina? Nothing. Nada. Time to get out.”

M: “The next question is for you Madame Secretary, from a listener in Seattle. He asks, ‘How are you going to get rid of ISIS?’”

HC: “This is a very complex problem intersecting many frontiers, ethnicities, and misconceptions. Lets be perfectly clear that ISIS is not traditional Islam, which, like Christianity and Judaism, are religions of peace. ISIS is a fanatical, deranged aberration. We will have to continue to work closely with our allies in the region as well as more coordinated efforts with our allies in NATO. ISIS cannot be defeated in a single battle or even a single military campaign. It will have to be defeated at its core which is fueled by disenfranchisement of uneducated, unemployed angry young men across the crescent of Africa.”

DT: “Oh yeah? When I am president ISIS will not last one week after I take the oath of office believe me. Not one week. I will do it. You don’t know how to do it. First you draw a red line then you chicken out. You can’t do ISIS any better than you can do Syria or Benghazi and we all know how you screwed that one up.”

HC: “And how do you propose getting rid of ISIS in one week Mr. Trump?”

DT: “I have my ways. Don’t worry, I will do it.”

HC: “You will send American troops into Syria, Iraq and Libya?”

DT: “I’m not talking about American troops crooked Hillary. We will wipe them off the face of the earth and not a single American soldier will be in harm’s way believe me.”

HC: “Really Mr. Trump? You think you know more about how to deal with ISIS than the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Pentagon, the President and the State Department not to mention our friends in London and Paris?”

DT: “Have any of those people done anything in the last eight years? Nothing. They are stupid. Listen. WE drop one bomb on those people and they’re gone. They’re gone. Poof. Gone, forever; never coming back. Our government is so weak right now it is PATHETIC. So weak. These are killers; all of them, their brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, even the kids…they are all killers. Just get rid of them.”

HC: “Are you suggesting using a nuclear device Mr. Trump?”

DT: “I’m suggesting using whatever it takes to get them off the face of the earth as fast as possible. President Osama won’t do it; you won’t do it. I will. I am the only one who can get rid of the Islamo-fascist terrorists and I will do it believe me.”

Martha Raddatz: “Well, that concludes our debate on Foreign policy. Thank you for watching and we look forward to seeing you next week at Trump International Hotel, Las Vegas for the third and final debate on ‘Making America Great Again.’”

* * *


Moderator (Chris Wallace): “Welcome to our third and final debate on ‘Making America Great Again’. We will begin with a 30 second statement by Secretary Clinton. Madame Secretary?”

Hillary Clinton: “Thank you Mr. Wallace and thank you Mr. Trump for providing this, this, well, this interesting facility here in the great city of Las Vegas in which to discuss some of the most important concerns facing our country today not least of which is our nation’s security. Working with Homeland Security, the FBI, CIA, NSA and all other law enforcement agencies here and abroad we will do everything possible to secure our nation’s physical borders as well as our cyberspace. Let’s begin with my ten point plan for strengthening the middle class which begins with responsible taxes for the top one percent, re-furbishing our infrastructure, protecting our environment, protecting women’s rights, LGBT rights and immigrant rights. We need to do more to slow down global warming and create jobs focusing on green energy and we need…”

M: “Your time is up Madame Secretary. Mr. Trump, you have 30 seconds for your opening remarks.”

Donald Trump: “Isn’t this hotel incredible? How about that room service? Lobster in Las Vegas. Has a nice ring doesn’t it. Dinner was on me folks. Have you all seen the view from the top of this place? Beautiful. We have more slots than the rest of Las Vegas combined. That card you found on your seat is worth $100 in tokens; on me. Good luck. Thank you Chris and thank you America for all those votes. Aren’t we great. I love you! I got more primary votes than any candidate in the history of the United States. Isn’t that great. Isn’t Las Vegas great? More votes than anybody. That is so great and in November I am going to get the most votes in the history of mankind for president and we are going to make America great again. We are so bad right now everybody is beating us, they don’t trust us anymore, they’re taking advantage of us because we don’t have leaders who can stand up to these people. I am going to make America great again believe me. First there’s going to be a big, beautiful wall and you know who is going to build it and pay for it and nobody is coming into this country to rape and rob and take away American jobs. Nobody. If you don’t speak English and believe in Jesus Christ you’re not coming to America, period. Not coming, as simple as that. NOT COMING TO AMERICA. We are going to make America the greatest country on the face of the earth. America for Americans.”

Moderator: “Mr. Trump, you have stated that you will tear up The Affordable Care Act on day one. Will you?”

DT: “Yes.”

M: “????????????????????????????????????? That’s it?”

DT: “Yes I will. Day one. Not one more penny wasted on another stupid government hand-out. Believe me. Day one.”

M: “Madame Secretary? Your thoughts? 15 seconds.”

HC: “Well, I find it interesting that Mr. Trump is always talking about making America great again but fails to appreciate the fact that we are THE ONLY INDUSTRIALIZED NATION ON THE PLANET that does not enjoy universal health care. Only a healthy people can be a great people. The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, is the best we could do with an intransigent congress. It is a laudable beginning and I will work every day to…”

M: “I’m sorry but your time is up Madame Secretary. This next question is for you. If you cannot protect our people in Benghazi how can we trust you to protect us here at home?”

HC: “As you know Mr. Wallace, the facts about Benghazi have been thoroughly investigated with the conclusion that we did everything we could under the circumstances to defend our friends and servicemen in that horrible situation …”

DT: “Wrong. All wrong. Lies. There she goes again telling lies. She was the boss and she left her people defenseless at the hands of murderers. Defenseless. They didn’t have a chance. Murdered defenselessly. They didn’t even have guns. They didn’t have anything to defend themselves with against those people while Madame Secretary slept through the night and couldn’t even answer the phone. It’s disgusting. She should be put in jail; locked up. It’s a disgrace.”

M: “Madame Secretary you have 15 seconds left in which to respond to Mr. Trump.”

HC: “Look Donald, there are some things you cannot understand and I suggest that your very short list of friends is one of them. Some of us have many friends for whom we would do anything humanly possible to help and Chris Stevens was such a friend whom I loved dearly and I am sick and tired of you using his murder as a political football. Secondly, Donald, you seem to be the only person on the planet who does not understand that there are individuals and circumstances tied to that mission in Benghazi which are still top secret involving the FBI, CIA, NSA, our friends in Libya, Israel and elsewhere, things which we simply cannot discus in public. Yes, I was Secretary of State so I take full responsibility for that tragedy. Have you ever taken full responsibility for all your bankruptcies and worker’s deaths on job sites? So finally Donald, why don’t you just go screw yourself!”

M: “Your time is up Madame Secretary. We have a question for Mr. Trump from one of our listeners in Atlanta who wants to know how you intend to bring jobs back to America.”

DT: “Look at that ladies and gentlemen, Madame Secretary told me to screw myself. I guess she doesn’t know much about that with her husband running around. She’ll keep us secure like she kept Benghazi secure. As far as bringing jobs back to America, I have two things that will bring jobs back to America. First there is going to be a big, beautiful wall and second, about ten million people who are stealing jobs from good American citizens, American citizens who pay taxes and don’t rob and rape, I am going to throw about ten million robbers and rapists back over that wall and we will be great again. As simple as that. It isn’t rocket science folks. Keep the bad people out and help the good ones in. We are going to make this country so great again you won’t believe it.”

M: “Madame Secretary? You have fifteen seconds to respond.”

HC: “Walls don’t work. Tariffs don’t work. Hate doesn’t work. Fear doesn’t work. Mr. Trump is trying to sell us a wet paper bag of simplistic rhetoric. We have definite plans…”

DT: “Just like you had plans for Benghazi and your red line in Syria. That was a great plan wasn’t it? America needs somebody who knows how to get things done and I seem to be the only one on this stage who knows how to get things done.”

HC: “As I was saying, our plan…”

M: “I’m sorry but your time is up Madame Secretary. Another question for Mr. Trump: People across America are worried about crime and violence. How do you intend to stop this epidemic of crime?”

DT: “Listen, we have a lot of people in this country now who don’t like law and order. As simple as that. They don’t like it. We all know who they are. They don’t want to work, they don’t want to play by the rules. They want hand-outs and they just want to cause trouble and then kill our men and women in blue. This is going to stop when I am president. I will double the size of Homeland Security, double the size of the ATF and FBI and double the size of every law enforcement agency across the country. Law and order will be my number one priority. And if this means arming our law-abiding citizens so be it. My opponent wants to take your guns away. I want to give you guns. We have a plan worked out by the NRA and the American Gun Manufacturers Association that will provide guns to every family that wants to participate in making America safe again. Play by the rules or its hasta la vista baby.”

M: “Madame Secretary you have fifteen seconds to respond.”

HC: “Clearly, we have some problems but rather than Band-Aids we need to address the source of these problems, which, as far as I am concerned, is in our schools, neighborhoods, and health care system. Nobody who is well-educated, well-fed, has a good job, and who feels safe is going to jeopardize our law and order.”

DT: “Oh yeah. You look like you are well-fed, actually too well-fed and you went to a good school so I guess maybe if you ever had a real job you wouldn’t have caused so many problems. You’re THE problem Madame Secretary.”

M: “Mr. Trump, please. Mrs. Clinton has seven seconds remaining.”

HC: “Education, childcare, healthcare, jobs, respect, LGBTQ and black and Latino lives matter. TOGETHERNESS MATTERS.”

DT: “See what I mean? She wants to let in Muslims, hand out American passports to everybody and give jobs to anybody and their uncle coming into our country. And what’s with black lives matter? Doesn’t my life matter? Don’t my children’s lives matter? Don’t German and Irish lives matter? These people walk down the middle of the street after robbing a store and when law and order arrives they video themselves provoking our brave men in blue and who does the media jump on but law and order. It’s got to stop. It will stop. ‘Guilty by video’ is going to stop dead when I am president.”

Moderator: “Well, Mr. Trump and Madame Secretary you each have thirty seconds in which to conclude this debate on Making America Great Again. Madame Secretary you may begin.”

Hillary Clinton: “Mr. Trump loves to say we are losers but our recent success in Rio suggests that the United States is still the greatest nation on earth. My first priority will be to make America safe. Once we are safe from the fear of terror, sickness, violence, bigotry, racism and hate we can work on comity. With new jobs, a clean environment, health care for everyone, free college and housing security we will have comity and prosperity. Thank you all very much and god bless America.”

M: “Mr. Trump?”

Donald Trump: “I don’t see what comedy has to do with prosperity but we are going to make America great, really really great and it starts with a wall and ends with the law. I am the only one standing on this stage who can get the job done. BELIEVE ME!”

* * *

Enjoy The Show!

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