The Phone Call


"Hello?"

"Hello Mr. Bacon, my name is Emily Smith and I am calling on behalf of the Abused and Missing Children's Fund. Did you know that every day, all across the United States..."

How much mental havoc is wrought by the mellifluous do-gooders calling us unawares, catching us at our most selfish moments with their litany of unspeakable abuse to the downtrodden and handicapped of the world. We were having a perfectly normal day; perhaps not quite euphoric, but not so bad either. But here it is: how much are we willing to give to help some poor, starving, battered, missing kid we've never seen before? How much do we really care about the violated children of the world while we sit in the comforts of our white, Anglo-Saxon, suburban, ranch-style house with a view and a swimming pool and a two-car garage? We've got our Nikon cameras, Rosignal skis, Proton TV, Saab cars, Prince rackets, rowing machine and mountain bike, computer, VCR, subscriptions to Harpers, and Newsweek on the coffee table with The Utne Reader and The Nation on top advertising our liberalism, and annual subscriptions to the symphony and Berkeley Rep, so now what are we going to do about all those abused and missing kids?

"If fifty dollars is too much at this time perhaps you would like to consider a twenty-five dollar gift. These gifts are tax-deductible and you can even use your VISA or Mastercard..."

If it is not the missing children, it is the handicapped or the wounded veterans or abused mothers, the freedom fighters in Nicaragua, the local public TV station, the Indians, or MS, MD or victims of AIDS, the Kurds, the Somalis, the policemen's picnic for delinquent kids or a veritable encyclopedia of heartbreaking causes and people out there.

You give to your old prep schools and colleges and your children's prep school and colleges, the United Way, Jerry Lewis, you send clothes to Nicaragua, buy lightbulbs from the handicapped and take boxes and boxes of stuff to the "thrift store" several times a year. So, what are you going to do about these hungry, abused kids?

Come on, rationalize, tell yourself after you hang up how much you give to all those other things. There are kids out there who have never had a decent Christmas and yet this afternoon you are going to one of those pre-Christmas sales to buy yourself a new amplifier for your stereo system. You've already got an amplifier for God's sake! Will the improved clarity of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony clarify your obligations to a few people less fortunate than yourself? Do you realize what five hundred dollars would do for some god-forsaken, lonely little girl? Somewhere out there is a little girl as pretty and bright as one of your own daughters. But the one on the street doesn't get a hot shower every morning. She does not have to decide which dress to wear that day. She doesn't even have to worry about catching the school bus. Your girls were little once. Remember when their golden locks fell down to their shoulders and they smiled up at you dressed in their new Gap-For-Kids shirts? They ran around in new Adidas running shoes and laughed as they played in the swimming pool. Remember those days? Some kids never have a single moment of such cared-for bliss much less enough to eat or a safe place to sleep. Enjoy your new amplifier!

Oh, did I interrupt your football game? Football is so important isn't it?..... relieves all those tensions built up during the week making all that money. And those hulking brutes bashing each other around every Sunday; aren't they impressive and courageous! They deserve to make a million dollars a year don't they the way they hit each other and do those rough things. And they are such wonderful role models. The salaries of any one of those NFL teams would more than pay to house, clothe and feed every hungry, homeless kid in America don't you think?

Well, I'm so sorry to bother you, to remind you of your selfishness. That's right, just go on thinking about how hard you work and how anybody else should be so healthy and wealthy if only they were willing to work so hard. All those kids out there without a decent breakfast, clothes or schools... all it takes is hard work right? Yeah, you worked so hard in your little prep school didn't you? Private tutors didn't hurt either did they? How about that month you spent at Amherst one summer learning to get a higher score on the SAT? Do you think something like that might help some of these little ragamuffins on the street?

And college was tough too wasn't it -- all those nights staying up so late, drinking beer; it takes real determination to get to an eight-o'clock class with a hang-over, but you did it most of the time. It was hard work skiing at Vail and Aspen every weekend wasn't it; shivering up those sluggish old-fashioned chair lifts in the early morning chill and driving home Sunday evening in the snow and all. And those spring breaks in Matzatlan and the canyons of Utah and summer climbing expeditions in Alaska or bicycle trips to Europe so you could experience "different cultures"; yes, that was all very difficult wasn't it? Sure, if only all the poor little hungry kids out there could only work as hard as you they could make it too, huh? Can't afford twenty-five dollars? I understand. Have another gin and tonic.

Oh, I see, now you are complaining because you do give to all those other things and this is an invasion of your precious privacy. Your precious fucking privacy! You are one of those radicals who have decided that phones are tactless intrusions into your private space and you are not going to give to anybody who solicits over the phone is that it? You think I am calling to clean your godam carpet you asshole? You think I am calling to sell shares in a condominium at Squaw Valley? Aren't you clever. You say so smugly, "I do not give to phone solicitors!" period, end of thought, end of consciousness, end of guilt, back to the ball game. Phones are awful. It is all the phone's fault isn't it? There you were all comfortable and I just happened to dial your number to tell you there are some little kids out there being sexually abused by loathsome perverts this very minute and I am so sorry to interrupt your game. Yes, be sure to give generously to the old alumni fund this year so the team can get some new "unis."

Oh, have I made you feel badly? You didn't need to bang the phone down so hard. But, the fact of the matter is it happens all the time. You aren't the first. As a matter of fact, most of you do the same thing. This isn't really the Abused and Missing Children's Fund. This is God calling to see if anybody is there.